a love that will go down in history - part 1

I see a LOT of things around the internet offering couples personalised items that put their names amongst the 'greatest couples' from history and literature.

(from notonthehighstreet.com)

But guys. Most of these relationships, these super famous ones (aside from Hansel and Gretel who were a poor inclusion on the basis of their being SIBLINGS)? Were not really the height of the relationship ladder. Honestly, they are not things I would aim for. In fact I would use most of them as solid examples of How Not To Do Relationships.

Claire's Guide to Bad Fictional and Historical Relationships

Romeo and Juliet

I'm going to start with the most obvious one first because really. Really.

Okay, firstly, it is understood that Romeo is supposed to be about 17 in the play. Juliet is only 13. Immediately, things start to look a hell of a lot less romantic.

At the start of the play, Romeo is pining deeply and tragically after Rosaline. He waxes lyrical about her, her beauty, her wit - blind men, he claims, will only regret being blind because they won't be able to see Rosaline any more. Rosaline isn't quite so keen on him, given as all he seems to do is lollop about the place and pine in that tragically romantic way.

But then! He sees Juliet!

I bet you say that to all the girls. Because he certainly claimed like two scenes before that he thought Rosaline was the niftiest thing since sliced bread, and embraced wholeheartedly the trend of Romantic Pining that so wound up Olivia in Twelfth Night, all posing and posturing. People have argued that this means that he wasn't really in love with Rosaline, and what he had with Juliet was true. I argue that this means he is fickle, and whilst his passions sweep him up intensely, they are then dropped when the next shiny thing distracts him.

And then, in their crash-course relationship that lasts a span of four days, I mean I've got a longer-standing relationship with the guy at my local Subway - two of which he is exiled for, we have this fantastic display:

- Her cousin kills his best friend.
- So obviously he kills her cousin.

This is clearly a man with a broken logic button.

Day one - daytime: Romeo pines over another woman all day. Evening: Romeo meets Juliet whilst gatecrashing.
Day two - they get married, Tybalt kills Mercutio, Romeo kills Tybalt, Romeo is exiled, but first pops by to consummate his marriage.
Day three - Juliet's parents try to marry her off to someone else, so she gets together with the Apothecary and knocks herself out for 42 hours.
Day four - Romeo manages to kill someone else whilst rushing to go see dead!Juliet.

Oh yes, and the crowning glory? The absolute biggest reason ever that this is not a healthy relationship to use as an example? They KILL THEMSELVES.

"But they kill themselves for love! It's romantic!"

Catherine and Heathcliffe

I actually find it a little bit scary that some people read this book and think it is romantic. I mean, honestly. I will admit to never having read it myself, but I've seen adaptations, I've read the Wikipedia page, and I got a running commentary from my bemused and horrified fiance whilst he read it for his PhD.


From everything he'd heard about it, he'd expected it to be a romance. And then when he read it it was basically like this:

This isn't even one that takes close reading. You can bullet point this sucker.

• Catherine won't marry Heathcliffe because even though she loves him she thinks he's not good enough for her.
• Heathcliffe runs off with Cathy's sister-in-law Isabella, even though he hates her, to enact revenge on just about everyone because he is super butthurt that Cathy correctly observed that he was poor and uncouth. He also hangs Isabella's puppy the night they elope. That's right, he's just that kinda guy.
• Cathy dies and Heathcliffe gets really upset.
• Oh and then his wife dies years later, but Heathcliffe doesn't really care about that because she's not Cathy, and he doesn't really give a crap about his son either.
• Heathcliffe also plays cruel mind games with Cathy's brother and reduces him to poverty. Again with revenge.
• He then holds Cathy's daughter - Cathy Mark 2 - hostage while her father dies so that she will marry his son, and her father will never see her again.
• And then he kidnaps Cathy Jr again, after she escapes to go and see her father, and tries to lock her up in Wuthering Heights, instead of the lovely manor house that he now owns, and she becomes a recluse. Oh and his son dies, but that's no big deal really 'cause he wasn't that attached to the little wimp anyway.
• And then he goes a bit (more) mental and dies. And Cathy Jr ends up marrying her cousin, which is actually the least bizarre relationship in this whole book.

 How is this romantic? Never mind that one half of this couple is dead for most of the book. Nowadays, this sort of behaviour would warrant a restraining order fairly early on, and not least a cross visit from the RSPCA.

"Heathcliffe's just so passionate, nothing will stop his love for her!"

 Bonnie and Clyde

So... a pair of killers who made a career out of robbing a dozen banks and more rural gas stations? Who many historians believe viewed their violent deaths as inevitable, so it didn't matter how awful their crimes were? And they were gunned down by police with the deaths of at least 9 officers and several more civilians to their names?

Some historians believe now the Bonnie may even have had a mental disorder that caused her to be attracted to seriously violent men - by the time of her death at 23, she was still married to her husband of 7 years Ray Thornton, who was in prison when she was killed. And when he heard his estranged wife had died, what was his comment? 

"I'm glad they went out like they did. It's much better than being caught."

Not to be a downer here guys, but are we noticing a pattern?  PEOPLE KEEP ENDING UP DEAD.

Are you in a relationship that resembles anything you see above?

Don't see anything for you there? Well that means you could either a) be in a totally normal and healthy relationship, or b) be in a relationship like the ones I haven't covered yet. Oh yes!

Coming up in Part 2 - Anthony and Cleopatra, Samson and Delilah, and Lancelot and Guinevere!